This is more of a personal post but it is for anyone that is feeling the weight.
We all fall sometimes. Life will cause us to trip and stumble. Some of us regain our footing gracefully, others tumble and some don’t get up easily.
Maybe I’ve just started to see things differently. Maybe it was only ever about the timing. Either way, I had fallen.
The strange thing about memories is their ability to affect your emotional well-being. Good and bad. How is it possible that a thought lasting only three seconds can cause enough anxiety to make you stop breathing? Or to make your face feel hot and your eyes to sting just before tears form? Maybe it’s a sound, a song, a sentence you overhear another person say. Perhaps it's the way the light shines on an object. Maybe it’s the time of day. It doesn’t always matter what the trigger is, it’s your self care that matters once you get put down.
A little broken from my tumble, I was surprised about a memory that resurfaced. I thought about one of my houseplants, remembering the time I had discovered it was infested with spider mites. My first instinct was to throw the plant out. I didn’t like the idea of bugs in my home, nor did I know how to make them go away. Despite this I did some research on how to save the plant and found a soap mixture to try. Once a week I wiped each side of every leaf with the mixture. For a long time the plant looked like hell, but with some care it got better and began to grow again.
My next thought, after remembering the distressed plant, was about myself and my patience in that situation. At the time I was uncertain of the outcome but it seemed important not to rush or give up on the plant’s recovery. Thinking of those quiet moments, I wondered if I could I care for myself the same way — if I could find that same patience amongst the uncertainty.
I didn't overcome any of my anxiety. I didn’t make any of it go away but I was able to sit with it. This was an ugly thing to do but at times I obtained a sense of calm I have never experienced. As I did this I realized how important it was to take the time I needed. To let any feeling surface. The ebb and flow of everything. I just kept breathing through the low points. Through all that mess I only ever looked for the silver lining, for the light.
I found it in time spent alone and in conversations with people I hold close to my heart. I found myself looking at everything differently with admiration for beauty in simplicity. New inspiration and creativity came through in my work and writing. At times I felt an unexplained sensation of weightlessness that I could call upon when I felt heavy again. What an enlightening experience to come out of something so differently than I first expected.
Bit of a daydreamer and a wallflower. I'm not in your face but you'll certainly remember me. Photographer based in Halifax, Nova Scotia